When life seems to fall in on you
Yesterday was a terrible day. You know the kind I’m talking about. You don’t want to face the world, but would prefer to curl up in a ball. There is huge resistance to even get out the door in the morning and engage. There is a to-do list that might even be manageable, and you just need to get it done, so you can keep things moving. You get to the to do list, and just stare blankly on the verge of tears. Everything in your being is just rebelling and going into meltdown.
I was just so tired. I tried to keep pushing, “just get it done, it will only take an hour if you focus, and you really need to get it done so you don’t leave people waiting.” My whole inner being, or perhaps more accurately my inner child was just in a complete “No!”
Ok...so I needed to rest. I stepped away from my desk. I even laid down on my own healing table and prayed for the energies to help me out. It helped a bit, but actually...just kept bringing up more what was needing to come up. I vacillated the rest of the afternoon between observing my thoughts, trying to encourage myself with some positive self-talk, then falling back into the tears and cascading negative thoughts.
Later in the day, losing the battle, I just collapsed into tears of defeat, thoughts of doom, and observed the numbing sensation creeping into my body, particularly my legs. I lay on my couch, beginning to get enough breathing room to just feel and observe the sensations, the thoughts, the collapse.
So here’s the thing. You don’t actually need to feel like a failure when that painful ball of thoughts and emotions is raging through you and taking over your day, your mood, and your hope. Actually, if you can stay with it, and allow it to unfold, you are doing some amazing healing work!
Here’s what is happening. Unresolved emotions, thoughts, experiences get stuck in our energy field. When there is not enough energy, consciousness or safe holding to keep it moving and let it express and transform, it just gets stuck there. Often it gets forgotten, repressed, and goes unconscious. If it sits there long enough causing distortion and blockage in our field, it can eventually create physical blockage and dis-ease. Even this is not a failure. If we use the symptom to hear the message and track it back to its cause we can begin to unpack the block and heal it.
Your field needs to breathe. Energy moves in pulsations like breath. Your divine essence, or light within (Barbara Brennan calls this the Core Star) begins to expand like an inhale. It upwells and expresses through every level of your energy field and moves out to create. Ah, ecstasy, pleasure, purpose and joy! Once the action or creation emerges, there is a pause, to behold and experience. Then your energy begins to contract and move back inward to condense the experience back into the core: the exhale. There is another stasis, of deep integration in Being; we feel more deeply who we are. Expansion, stasis, contraction, stasis.
But we have blockages. We are not perfect. But we are purifying. So often when the Core Star begins to upwell, it hits barriers in our energy field. It’s like turbulence on a flight. We may get stuck in frustration, hitting our “glass ceiling”, or our energy may bounce back into contraction. Or the energy might “awake the giant” and the barrier of consciousness stirs and activates. It contains unresolved thoughts, memories, emotions, and experiences from any developmental age. This is really not fun, as this wave of thinking and feeling runs through us. We can feel swamped. The thoughts may be angry, or self-rejecting. They say we are doomed, will never get where we long to be, have no life purpose, and will be stuck here forever. Sound familiar?
But energy just needs to move. Emotion needs to express. If you can stay with it and courageously allow the feelings to be felt, the thoughts to pass through with enough witness presence to watch them for what they are, the body sensations to unfold...you are healing!
It can be very hard to stay with it when this is happening. Sometimes we can just do a little bit, and that is great. Sometimes there are some big traumas in there, and we really need what was not there for us when the trauma happened--a safe holding container of love and presence to allow us to process it. This is part of my work as a healer. I also read back to you what I see happening in your field, so you don’t get lost in the swamp. I help to lead you through it so you can get out the other end.
The hardest part is when the block awakens but doesn’t fully express and clear: those old familiar self-defeating thoughts and feelings rear their head, and then collapse back into your field; and awaken and harass you; and collapse back into your field. There is not enough energy to transform them or resolve them, and you have...a pattern. This is where healing work, or the presence of a therapist can really create breakthroughs. You need more energy in your field to help move that block on completely and get to resolution and new expansion.
When this is happening for you and you are not in session, it’s a great time to call a supportive friend who can just hold space for you. It’s also a time to turn to your spiritual toolkit and use skills you may have developed in meditation, prayer, dance and movement, body sensing--any practice that helps you to just allow and facilitate the energy movement and witness the thoughts and emotions so it can move, clear and transform.
And the good news? This morning I woke up unusually early and actually wanted to get out of bed. I felt a new burst of tender inspiration and made time to sit down and do a chakra meditation. I’m not going to say I was Wonder Woman. There was still quite a bit of tenderness. But also the whisper of my spirit again, the feeling of that glow that wanted to expand back out and offer, shine, create, try again. And in this I knew that my purpose as a healer is to courageously and as consciously as I can, keep diving into these places, trust, feel, and emerge with more energy transformed, digested and ready to serve others to do the same. I sat down to write this article. I hope it helps you! I’d love to know if this sounds familiar, or if I have shed some light on your own struggles.
Are you ready to begin to work with your own energy? Would you like to put some tools in your toolkit so you can ride the waves of healing?
Join me for Chakra Healing I
A 7 week series to help you connect and work with your own chakras.
If you are longing for a spiritual group where you can talk, learn, share and benefit from the group energy to begin to work with your own energies, this is a great way to do it. So far the group is small, so you will be getting a lot of personal feedback from me.